Permisson-seeking behavior

Quote:

“I have the power to create. My power is so strong that whatever I believe comes true (p. 8)” in The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Danny Gives You Permission To Just Do It.

My advice is to encourage you to take action, do good deeds, and create a better world. And, you’ve already got permission to do it. I grant you permission today! (Laugh aloud). Actually, you’ll need to grant yourself permission to do good, loving deeds.

Self-Assessment Test:

There is a test which the individual is asked to identify qualities he dislikes in others and qualities he likes in others. The purpose of this test is to discover qualities that you really dislike or like in yourself.

Story About Seeking Permission:

On Sunday, November 8th, I stopped at a Speedway Gas Station to fill my car up. I always shop at Speedway because I’m on their behavior-modification plan. I get points each time I fill up my car or get a coffee. These points can be used to get free coffee or gift certificates to fun places like Barns and Noble Books.

There was a young boy pumping gas across from me. He said something that I dislike. I felt grossed out about his behavior. I realized that I personally didn’t like this quality in myself. Keep reading to discover what that exact quality really is.

I overheard the boy said, “Hello,” to a man who was getting ready to pump gas. The boy said, “Can I please buy your gas today.” I was shocked to hear this statement. It seemed like a nice gesture. I was secretly thinking, you can pay for mine. (Laugh aloud). The other man said, “no, you don’t have to do that.” The boys continued seeking permission to buy his gas. The boy said, “I’m a Christian and I want to do good things to help people, please let me buy your gas.” The man finally let in and allowed the boy to buy his gas.

I feel pleased and happy that people are doing good deeds in the world. I think that is awesome. It’s wonderful. It is great. Of course, I don’t have a problem with that.

However, I am disgusted by the permission seeking behavior to do good deeds. I noticed that he said words like, “can I,” and “please let me.” Something about these words permission seeking words repulses me.

Self-Reflection:

I recalled the self-assessment test that I had taken sometime during the last decade and remembered that when I don’t like qualities or behaviors in others that I really dislike these qualities in myself.

I had an “ah-ha” moment of self-discovery. I don’t like “permission-seeking behaviors” in myself. People who seek permission often have an issue with giving away their personal power. I feel that I may have this problem myself. The good news is that at least I’m self-aware and I don’t have to live another day this way. It is my life and I’m in control.

Here is another example that I felt disgusted by: A patient who I worked with [about a year ago] asked me, “Danny, can I have permission to assert myself to a peer?” Apparently his peer had done something offensive or had broken some personal boundary.

I felt disgusted that the boy had to ask me permission to be assertive. By asking permission, the boy was being passive. He was giving away all of his power to someone in authority. I now had the power to say, “no, you can’t assert yourself” or, I could have said, “Yes, you can.” Does a person need permission to be assertive and to stand-up for himself? I don’t think so.

Does a person need permission to do anything, especially if it is a good-deed?

The Problem With Permission-Seeking Behavior:

Permission is associated with authority. The person in control grants permission. So, who is in control of your life? Are you in the driver’s seat? Are you in control? Or, are you asking permission from someone else (giving them control and power over your life?)

Personal Experience:

I’m going to share a personal story here. I found an attractive woman who I enjoyed spending time with (while on a trip). She was awesome. We went out a few times. We talked and have fun. She smiled and laughed. It was wonderful.

Before leaving, I asked permission to call her. She laughed and looked at me funny and mocked me back, “can you call me?” I immediately felt that I shouldn’t be asking because now I had given all of my personal power away.

If I had to do it over again, I would have just said, “hey, I had a wonderful time with you and I’ll be calling you in a couple of days so we can talk more.” I would have acted more with personal power, confidence and authority (without interfering with her personal rights, of course).

That would have worked. Asking is needy I feel disgusted with needy people. (another quality I sometimes dislike in myself). They suck attention and energy from people. I refer to them as emotional vampires.

I wasn’t coming from a position of trying to take or get something from her. By calling her, I would have come from a position of giving (not taking). I’m not arrogant, but I’m certain I would have continued to give her stimulating conversation.

Of course, “no means no” and that is to be respected. I’m not advocating for people to just do things. If she didn’t want me to call, she would have said, “stop calling me,” or would have just stopped answering calls.

Advice to Take Home:

People have personal power. They’re free to do whatever they want, as long as they don’t violate the rights of others. Of course, I’m not telling people to be offensive.

People don’t need to ask permission to do good deeds. Wait, let me turn that around and put a more positive slant on it. Opposed to saying “don’t,” I’ll just tell you to “Just Do It,” like Nike. Just do good, loving, kind deeds.

Go do something wonderful today.

The Mastery of Love (book review).

A review of The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationships by Don Miguel Ruiz. (1999). Amber-Allen Publishing: San Rafael, California.

Last week, I purchased The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz for only $1.00 from a used book sale. Plus, the dollar will be going to a charity to provide newspapers for children for local schools.

I got this book because it has a focus on healing. I’m a self-acclaimed “teacher/healer.”

There are so many powerful lessons hidden this book. I would put this in my top 20 favorite books. It is in the top 5,000 best-selling books on Amazon.Com (as of today) and it has been out for a decade (since 1999).

There are so many portions of the book that I would just like to share here. Naturally, I recommend for you to get this book to discover the wisdom hidden in it for yourself.

This book would be great for people who work with others, people who’ve suffered bad relationships, or people who just want to have better relationships with everyone in life.

As many of you already know, I provide recreational therapy services for children who’ve been abused. There is a lot of wisdom in this book that could help these children because they’ve suffered from having poor relationships.

Much of the wisdom shared in this book is very similar to “The Secret” documentary DVD on the Law of Attraction. If you enjoyed The Secret, then I think you’ll definitely enjoy this book. Ruiz based his book on the wisdom from the Toltec. They were a group of people who lived in current day Mexico during the era before Columbus.

Ruiz talks about personal responsibility in his book. Each of us is responsible for our own individual happiness. People can’t depend on other people to take care of their own happiness. You can’t depend on your significant other, best friend, family, or others to be responsible for your happiness. Neither can you be responsible for their happiness. That is their job.

I’ll share a few brief quotes here:

“We’re all masters because we have the power to create and to rule our own lives (p.7).”

As a recreational therapist, I’d like to point out three quotes on recreation and play:

“Running and playing is an expression of love (p. 29).”
“Keep being happy and keep playing (p. 87).”

“In a relationship, as in a game, it’s not about winning or losing. You are playing because you want to have fun (quote found in chapter 4).”


Here is how to break a relationship: “selfishness, control, and fear.”

Here is how to help a relationship grow:
“generosity, freedom and love.”

Chapter 5 is on The Perfect Relationship.

Ruiz suggests for the person to have no expectations of others. Allow other people to be free because people don’t like to be controlled. Ruiz also suggests to accept people for who they are and to just be you. So what if someone does not like you. That isn’t anything against you. Be you. Ruiz had used the analogy that a dog is a dog and it can only be a dog. If a person wants a cat, a dog just won’t do. A dog can’t pretend to be a cat. It isn’t anything against you if they’re a cat person and you’re a dog. Don’t try to change to become a cat. Ruiz had said somewhere in the book that being you requires no extra energy.

Here is a final quote that I'd like to share from Ruiz:

“You are what you believe you are. Humans are powerful magicians (p. 194).”

I really like that quote. You can make up your mind to be just about anything.

Improve your life with the lessons on love from this book.

Do men want a "B?" dating tips (book review)

A Review of:

Argov, S. (2006). Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman’s Guide to Winning Her Man’s Heart. Simon and Shuster Paperbacks: NY.

People, who know me, know that I only use positive language. I certainly would never use the “b-word” in conversation. And I’d definitely never call a woman one.

I did read an interesting book with the “b-word” in the title,” in early October. It was called, Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman’s Guide to Winning Her Man’s Heart by Sherry Argov.

I thought this book would be interesting to read. I assumed it would give some secrets on how women think. As a male, I thought it would give me ways that I could be a better man. I did find the book to be insightful.

Here is a quick review of the book. Argov discusses several things in her book, including:

• “Bitch,” is used playfully. She’s not using it as a word to demoralize a woman. She uses it in a good-humored way. This is the type of woman who has her own life goals, has her own individual life, and she has a backbone when it comes to men. Backbone is having dignity and pride. She’ll be the woman who’ll make her own decisions.
• Happiness: Argov makes it clear that it is the woman’s responsibility to be happy. She can’t depend on a man to do this for her. Doing so would be impossible and it would leave her in a vulnerable position.
• Approval: Argov argues that a woman doesn’t need to be a person who is needy. It’s weak. She doesn’t have to be perfect, just interesting. It’s okay if a man doesn’t like her. She’ll be okay. She doesn’t need his approval.
• Confidence: Argov suggests for the woman to be confident and independent because a man will respond to her differently than he will towards a needy, insecure, dependent woman. I think of it as a self-fulfilling prophecy. She must act (and be) a certain way, which communicates that she only accepts being treated a certain way. She won’t put up with any other behaviors from her man.

Overall, I agree with Argov’s book. I enjoy the company of several women and I spend time with them by doing on dates. However, I’m still single. Argov suggests techniques on how a woman can win a man’s heart. As a man, I’d definitely go for the woman who is like “the bitch” described by Argov. Of course, I’d never use that word.

I feel fine being single. I’ve told my parents and friends that I don’t plan to ever get married. My parents seem disappointed. If I do, she’s had to be a woman who I’d feel, “hmm, that would be awesome to be married to her.”

I feel that many of Argov’s techniques could be reversed and used by a man.

Here are some techniques that I feel that a man could use from the book:

• Be a man who is in control of himself.
• Don’t act confident – be confident.
• Be responsible for his own happiness and well-being
• Always dress for success
  Develop many skills. Be able to do many things. Be a man who can not only change a tire, but one who can cook an awesome meal for his woman.
• Have an independent mind.
• Be Calm and collect in all interactions.

Here is an amazon link if you'd like to get the book: